(There is always a danger of writing when you are tired. Right now, I am tired...so, here is my disclaimer: we've all had these thoughts, I am just expressing them in an open format.)
One of my New Year's Resolutions this year was to "learn to be content." I have been accused of having a short attention span and always looking outward for fulfillment. I am beginning to wonder if it is a trust issue. Do I really trust God?
I know all of the verses..."Trust in the Lord with all of your heart..." "Do not worry about tomorrow..." "Take my yoke..." etc. I fully recognize that at both a cognitive and spiritual/emotional level I believe these promises. As a dear friend so eloquently told me while sharing a Big Mac, "God is not my enemy."
But, does He have my best interest in mind or His greater purposes? In the big picture, do my self-interests even matter in light of God's redemptive plan for humanity? (See...I knew I shouldn't be writing this late, because I am really making sense!) So, I trust that God has a plan and is working to see that plan accomplished. But, sometimes I don't trust that my personal contentment is as high a priority to God as it is for me. NOTE: I said "sometimes"!
This brings another verse to mind. "He will give you the desires of your heart." This is such a "chicken and the egg" verse! Which is it? Will he give me what my heart desires or will He place certain desires in my heart? Either way, whose interests are being served. One professor of mine would answer those questions "YES" and "BOTH"! Thanks a lot...
I want to be content. But right now, it's pretty easy. I have a good life. Perhaps the lack of trust is the fear (agh...there's a loaded word...what's up with this "free association" style of writing...it's very annoying) that God is ready to upset the apple cart. The one thing I have lacked in my life is stability. There have been consistent, enormous changes since I was 15 years old. So there I have it...I want to learn to be content...but I don't want anything to change.