It’s 5am but I’m wide awake. There are two reasons for this.
1. Our son was crying and I got up to check on him.
2. I was dumb enough to watch the trailer for “Paranormal Experience” last night, and it was scary enough to keep me up. No lie. Just the trailer is that scary. I am thinking the critics may be right in calling this the scariest film on years.
I have been thinking lately about my stubborn faith. It just keeps hanging around no matter how hard it gets pushed on. This may be a testament to my Sunday School teacher, Ms. Ethel or perhaps my dear Mother. I have no idea really. Regardless, it is here and here to stay.
Do you recall last year when Mother Theresa’s journals were found and the world was shocked to hear that she had spent most of her life not hearing from God? I wasn’t shocked for a moment. In fact, I think that most anyone who has spent any significant time in ministry understood her precisely.
I am beginning to see that doubt comes alongside faith very often. True faith is the ability to overcome doubt, not to pretend it isn’t there.
In many ways, my own life is a living, breathing example of this.
Just think: I love, yet dislike most people who claim the Bible to be true, yet I would fight with anyone who would claim it is not true. I go to Church though my own theology disagrees with the majority of what goes on there. In my book, NT Wright and Bono hold equal position as understanders of the Gospel though Bono probably practices it better. Some nights I wake up in a panic because I’m not sure God exists but every day I am keenly aware of His work and providence in my life. I am fearful and I am blessed.
One would be forced to wonder just what exactly is going on here.
I suppose day after day of feeling disconnected from the God I serve is a huge part of this. The fact is that even though I see him at work in my life, I long for a more tangible connection. This is something that, so far, has not been granted.
And so I plod on in this balance of faith and doubt, taking my place alongside such scoundrels of the faith as Mother Theresa, C.S. Lewis and anyone else who is honest enough to admit that they don’t know. They are my companions in faith and my companions in doubt. I value their company in a world that is desperate to know the Jesus I serve, regardless of how elusive he can seem.