I know there has been discussion on this topic already but it seemed conflicted. My daughters and I escaped horrific domestic violence that was physical, mental, and sexual.He also had numerous affairs. We actually are still in hiding as he still after four years stalks, harasses, and threatens.
His parental rights were terminated by the state. He is no longer legally considered the father of my children. I constantly question my choices and feel like Im going to do something to upset God. It almost feels like a barage of attacks. My questions are as follows:
1. Is divorce forgiven by God in this situation.
2. Someday could I remarry?
3. Is it normal to feel lile Im constantly failing God or is it a spiritual attack? How do you differentiate between the two?
Please be kind but direct in truth please.
Discussion
51 comments
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My heart breaks when I hear stories like this. Romans 8:28 tends to be the go to verse. But just remember there is not defined time to that verse.
1- yes. He cheated on you. Marriage was ended by him. He is at fault in Gods eyes. Jesus was clear on this point.
2- absolutely! And my prayers is it is a man of God who will treat you and you child like Christ treats the church.
3- unfortunately yes. We have all sinned. And Satan is the father of lies. Satan doesn’t want you turning to God. So he will do everything he can to stop that. Just remember 1 John 4:4. The devil has no power over Jesus. Also remember Gods promise in 1 John 1:9. You ask for forgiveness and God is FAITHFUL (always) and JUST (always), and He WILL forgive you. And once God forgives he forgets. The only one who remembers your sin is you.
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The Bible specifically mentions adultery as grounds for divorce… I’m sure the other abuses are an abomination in God’s eyes too.
You’ve just come out of a living hell. Don’t make any relationship decisions or even think about that for now. Let God be your closest relationship. He will show you what real love looks like. The rest is too far down the road to worry about and won’t make any sense anyway until you’ve learned what God’s love for you is first. -
There is a provision for divorce in the case of adultery which is what your ex did. It is normal to feel like you are failing God most honest people would agree they have that same struggle. You are free to remarry and find the happiness you deserve. I’m sorry you’ve had to endure these trials ma’am hang in there it will get batter!
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Well, no 1 first and foremost; I’ll be praying for you. I to struggled with the divorce question for years. Know that if you ask, you will receive.
No 2. If God brings a man into your life in the future, after a period of healing then praise God. Remember; as he says in his word. My grace is sufficient for you.
No 3: Yes, but it’s hard to say. A good rule of thumb is if your not being attacked by satan then you are doing something wrong. -
1. God always forgives a repentant person. It doesn’t matter what happened.
2. He broke the covenant with his affairs. Yes, you can remarry.
3. Feelings of failing come from Satan. God is not out to accuse you of failure. God wants to show you how to thrive with Him. He wants to guide you into His blessings and plans for you. He’s not out to condemn and shake His head at you.My heart truly goes out to you. May the Spirit guide you into all peace, truth, and knowledge, and may He protect you and your children.
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Matthew 19 tells us where aldultry is committed divorce is allowed, yes remarry is ok, you are not the offender and what you are feeling is probably the high regard you have for your vows and you and your spirit is grieving because Of your commitment to God and your desire for obedience
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1. Absolutely. He is also obviously living as a unbeliever no matter what he claims. In one or another he has chosen to depart from you. Paul says let the unbeliever to depart, and you are not under bondage in such cases. Be at peace. 1 Corinthians 7
2. Absolutely remarry, but only in the Lord meaning a Christian. Let God pick him and not you yourself.
3.Yes the devil does like to attack us all, but it sounds like you need a revelation of God’s grace and his love for you. Learn about who are in Christ and God’s grace will reign in your life-Romans 5:17-21.
4. Don’t listen to legalistic people on this page or otherwise. Follow after peace.
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Physical safety first. Don’t feel bad for protecting your kids.
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1. He broke the marriage covenant.
2. God forgives all sin by his sacrifice on the cross. When you ask forgiveness for sins comitted itvrestores your relationship with God.
3. You are free to remarry a godly man.
4. I’ll leave out as my opinion my be too controversial.. ?
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You cannot remarry. Why you feel that way is good. It means you want the truth.
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What God hates is misogynistic men who beat on their wives and children. You were a victim. Rest assured, marital violence is worse than adultery, and you can marry again. Don’t listen to all these legalists who forget the spirit of the law is Christ, who loves us. Your husband has totally broken Eph 5:25-26. God will deal with him, you take care of yourself and your children. Flee him, and God will open doors.
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Yes divorce is completely acceptable under God in this situation and yes you can remarry.
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You have to be alive and well to have a marriage. If your husband is how you described him, divorce him without looking back. And yes, if you get a better person remarry! Don’t put yourself under unnecessary strain, life’s too short.
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To give you some background. My first wife was addicted to pain killers. I had no idea until we’d been married about a year. As a nurse, she was caught a couple times stealing drugs from the hospitals at which she worked. I went through multiple rehab programs with her but things never really changed. However, that was 36 years ago and is now only a faint memory. After the divorce, I rededicated my life to God and I can’t begin to tell you how he has blessed me since then. I’ve been married now (2nd) for 33 wonderful years to a very godly woman. She is truly a gift from God. With all that in mind, here are my answers to your questions:
1. YES!!!
Yes divorce is a sin but so is lying and and many other things. The only sin that cannot he forgiven is rejecting Christ. There is always time to ask God for forgiveness and the moment you do, ALL your sins are forgiven. Period!! At that point, God cannot love and accept you more than He already does. His acceptance of you is now based on what Jesus did on the cross. So now, His love for you and acceptance of you are eternal and unending. It’s important to understand this and hold on to it!!2. YES!! (With some conditions for it to be successful)
You need to focus on healing and restoring your relationship with God. Next, you need to focus on your children. As you learn to recover from your trauma, your children will observe you and also learn to recover. The major theme of Christianity is redemption. He not only redeems us from the eternal impacts of our sin, He is able to redeem our circumstances in this life to draw us closer to Him. Given your circumstances, marriage is most likely many years in the future but you never know. It’s probably best to set it aside for now. I encourage you to read I John. Not the gospel of John but the I letter or epistle of John.3. Common but not normal
This one gets complicated. First of all, we are all constantly failing God!! If not, there was no need for Christ to die on the cross. Second, once we believe in Christ, there is no longer any condemnation or judgement from God. Jesus took it all. So what I do with those feelings of unworthiness is agree with them. I say to myself “I’m a horrible disgusting human being but God loves and accepts me just as I am” Then I put a big smile on my face. Our emotions can be deceiving and fickle. I encourage you to read Romans chapter 8.
After I rededicated my life to God, I began a quest to learn all I could about God, myself, and things like depression, codependency, and boundaries. I encourage you to delve into the teachings of Kay Arthur. She has a tremendous testimony and is an excellent teacher.
There’s so much more to share but I wish you well and will be praying for you. God Bless!
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Adultery is grounds for biblical divorce, while not a necessary step I feel in your situation Lynn Mills from the information you have shared, divorce appears to be the best option. If you divorce on the grounds of adultery you are biblically free to remarry.
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God is in the business of restoration. Yes God’s design was Husband and Wife for life but that was before sin entered into the world but then you go to the law of Mose which accommodates for the post sin world and then Jesus defends that lady and stays ‘He that is without sin cast the first stone’
Both my parents got divorce and found each other before they were save, Praise God he did not write them off like alot of religious Pharisees would 3 years ago both my parents got save and serve in a local church. Remember God came to seek and to save that which was lost.
My God is a forgiving God,
A restorer of the broken hearted. -
Sometimes we just do stupid things and get into wrong relationships and end up marrying that someone we were never meant to marry. If your husband ever cheated on you sexually, then you are as free as a bird to move on. That, it says is the only clear reason for divorce, sexual immorality. God bless you sister and go easy on yourself. God wants you to he happy and not worried that your going to do something wrong to upset him. Think of what your parents would want for you right now and make it 10 times more loving. If you were that kind of fearful of offending your parents, how would they feel? Like you were more afraid of them. They would want you to know that you are loved and that the things that hurt you, hurt them. That’s Gods heart for you and your children. Your husband obviously wasn’t a good Christian man who obeyed the Lord. It sounds like he was destroying your children’s future also in the process. Do you think your parents would want that for them? Neither would God. I think the thing God would have his eye on ATM is your heart. What damage has he done to your trust, your love, your patience etc. God may not give you anyone for a while. Not until he unravels the mess your husband has left in you and the kids. Then you will be ready for the man God may have for you x
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Lynn Mills – thanks for sharing what I am sure is a painful set of memories. Was there ever really a legitimate marriage in the firsts place? i.e. if he misrepresented himself, lied, made commitments he never intended to keep, fraudulently entered into a covenant…..then it is questionable if a covenant was ever started.
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What God hated about divorce is how men would take a woman use her begin to lust for another , dump the one he had many times with the accusation of adultery. In reality he was the adulterer. If the woman wasn’t stoned for the accusation of adultery most of the time she would have no choice but to return to her family because no one would want to marry her . If a person puts on a mask before marriage then reveals his true nature after marriage the woman or man has every right to leave.
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You have permission from GOD to divorce and remarry.
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Divorce him asap! ?? The heart is deceitful are you sure is failure to God? Well sister let go and let God! ???
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The bigger sin is to believe that sin is too big for Jesus blood to cover. The judgement seat of God will be there to humble our hearts to remember that it’s not our works that made us perfect in His sight, but the blood of Jesus.
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Most of the comments are base on personal experience but not base on the scripture, because you want biblical l suggest you to listen Gods principles about marriage, read
1Cor. Chapter 7 in v.10 this is applied to both Christian but in your case this was said in v.15 you can depart for peace. But you cannot marry until your husband dies v.38 for you daughter your husband has responsibility even he didn’t want that is mandated by the family code -
devorce is not a sin- if one spouse is a devil – as your spouse- you can separate you from the devil- take time to repent – you too- let me show you more in messenger- remariage or not ?- let me show you – in messenger
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I DONT CARE IF ITS WRITTEN OR NOT, NO ONE SHOULD STAY IN A DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SITUATION. DIVORCE, RUN, CHANGE YOUR NAME AND SOC IF YOU HAVE TOO.
But if this is hypothetical, think of it like this,
1. Is my husband’s actions causing me to sin or contemplate sinning?
2. Has my husband fulfilled his marital obligation?
3. Has kept said vows? Is he living by the 1 Corinthians 13 love examples?
4. Is your husband presenting you back without blemishes or stain?
If none of these are a yes?
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I’m so sorry this happened to you. As long as you are seeking Him you aren’t failing God. Of course God forgives you. He loves you and has not left you on your own. Divorce isn’t unforgivable even if infidelity isn’t involved. Yes, I believe it’s fine to remarry since you had Biblical grounds to divorce. You could be under spiritual attack. Satan won’t cut you any slack just because you’re going through a tough time.
Rebuke Satan with the authority Jesus gives you in Luke 10 and James 4. When I’m under spiritual attack I can feel evil in the air around me, so I know to rebuke Satan and he leaves. That’s the only way I can differentiate between the two. If you rebuke Satan and things don’t improve, rebuke the condemnation that you feel. Romans 8:1 clearly teaches we do not have to live under a cloud of condemnation. Please forgive yourself and give yourself over to Jesus. I will pray for you. ?(To haters out there, I am NOT advocating for divorce!! I’m just answering this lady’s question.)
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God is bigger than any sin
God also hates divorce
I have been divorced not because of my own doing.
God knows your heart ❤️
Love is patient love is kind Love does not demand its own wayPray to God , forgive him, and press on into the Lord
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Get out of that situation immediately. That marriage is not a God honoring union(due to him, not due to you) and for your safety and your children, divorce is acceptable in this case.
Yes you are able to remarry. You are not just jumping around from one relationship to the next for fun or for selfish reasons, so finding a Godly partner to join to and marry and seek God together with will be an amazing blessing for you. It may take a while to get to that point, but seek after God and He will lead you in this.
It is normal. Don’t beat yourself up over this. But know God loves you and He wants you seeking after Him. You might feel like you have failed Him, but know that He will never fail you.
Seek God first in your life. He will lead you through this dark valley and to greener pastures. Dive into His Word daily. Pray constantly. Seek His will.
I am sorry to hear about your situation. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. I will be keeping you and your family in my prayers!
Soli Deo gloria! -
Matthew 5:31 It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement:
32 But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.
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I was very young when I married my first husband, in short it was the wrong thing to do, he was still seeing other women, and we separated ,I was not really walking with the Lord and we Divorced in less than five years of marriage, I’ve been remarried for 36 years, it’s been a good marriage but not without many struggles and my much baggage from my past, I say all this because there’s not ANYTHING that’s not covered by the blood of Jesus, I’ve repented for my many many mistakes in both marriages and forgiven my ex, we are still good friends. Again , the blood of Jesus covers all this, divorce is forgiven and covered by the blood of Christ !
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1. Yes
2. Yes
3. We live in a time of God’s Grace. He loves you and will forgive us all of our sins if we lay them at the foot of the cross -
1 – yes
2 – yes
3 – yes to both. It’s normal AND it’s a spiritual attack. It’s also part of recovering from trauma and abuse. Your husband was a horrible husband and that has warped your view of God. -
1. Yes
2. Yes
3. No, you are not failing God. Conviction is from God; Condemnation is from Satan.
May you find peace, comfort and joy during this trial. -
It is absolutely normal to feel like we are constantly failing. The devil is in the Bible called the “accuser of the brethren” we must learn to rebuke him in Jesus’ name and let him know that Jesus has paid the price for our sins and we have repented and claimed his blood. As for your divorce. Jesus taught that it is not even a sin to divorce on grounds of adultery so there is nothing to forgive there.
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In a Christian sense you probably shouldnt remarry unless he passes away, but i don’t believe divorce is a sin in that circumstance. He violated the marriage contract when he became abusive, especially to the extent you described. We are not to be unequally yoked, and it sounds like he abandoned Christ long ago.
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Yes, indeed this was discussed.
First, based on what you said that he has had affairs, that is your Christian basis for divorce right there. If we were living in OT Israel, you could call him before the judges and as long as you had proof/witnesses to his adultery, he would have been put to death. Our society today does not take this stance and this contributes to situations like yours spiraling out of control.
In such situations, there is no need for God to forgive you for rightly calling for a divorce in a scenario in which He said you could. Don’t let the enemy bash you with that.
Any woman living in OT Israel that had a spouse put to death for adultery was absolutely allowed to remarry. People remarried all the time in OT Israel.
The enemy is always trying to take down the believers. Remember, we are in a spiritual war. The enemy seeks to kill, steal and destroy. You must know that. You must also know Jesus gave His people power over the enemy in every situation. Let faith in the Word of God take root in you and yield fruit.
And definitely, ask the Lord to lead you to the church that HE wants you to be a part of so that you have the covering of a pastor and church family. Be blessed.
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Lynn. I applaud you for your bravery to speak at all. First, yes…adultery is legal grounds for divorce in God’s eyes. I studied that in depth as I was the perpetrator when my wife divorced me. Second, yes…you can remarry. I would caution you here though. I would challenge you to find a Celebrate Recovery near you and work on you for awhile. It is a Christ centered group for anyone with ANY hurt, habit or hang up. You truly need to spend time dealing with all of this as it still has a hold on you (from what I can tell by your words). You need to find true healing for you and your children. I would hate for you to rush into another relationship and fall back into the same type of relationship. It is easy to say we wont…but without true healing and God then we will.
I would challenge you to type in Chiseled by the Skit Guys on YouTube. One thing that they said that changed the way I saw how God viewed me was “God I failed you over and over again. Then He replied “but my child, you were never holding me up”. God the Father desires nothing more than to have a pure relationship with you. He is not the author of confusion. Look at the fruit of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, self-control). Condemnation aren’t among them. In Celebrate Recovery we teach people to own their part, make amends (if healthy) to those we have wronged, and offer forgiveness to those who have hurt us. Find women to help you during this time. You need support. We all do.
Look at how Jesus treats the adulterous woman. He doesn’t call her by her sin but rather tells her to simply Go and sin no more. You are loved fiercely by the Most High! -
Answers: Yes, Yes, and you have an Advocate before the Father, He is our Faithful High Priest. Satan is the accuser of the brethren, but he is a defeated foe. In Christ you win!
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You are not doing anything wrong. Please don’t come to believe you are failing God, because those are not reasons.
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Yes to all.
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Mark 10:5-9, 11-12 (KJV) And Jesus answered and said unto them, For the hardness of your heart he wrote you this precept.
But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female.
For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife;
And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh.
What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.
And he saith unto them, Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth adultery against her.
And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she committeth adultery. -
Stop worrying! ?
The gospel is 1 Corinthians 15:1-4.
…That if you believe Christ died for your sins, was buried, rose again fulfilling the scriptures, you will be saved…
You have freedom in Christ. You are free to do good works, not weighed down by your sins which are forgiven. Just the fact that you want to please God probably means you are saved and filled with the HS. Your flesh is not redeemed yet and this world is unredeemed. You don’t have to force yourself to follow the Mosaic laws regarding marriage. Those laws were given because the Israelites couldn’t even wait 40 days without making a golden god and having wild orgies in front of it. The law was for those who are all flesh and not spiritual. It is not for the Body of Christ. We are free to use common sense if our conscience is spirit-informed, not law informed.
Also, you should checkout a website called “Love Fraud”. Your abuser sounds like a narcissistic sociopath and that site has lots of help for healing. Very informative. I have a story too. Mine is rotting in prison for life for murder. It was almost me who lost her life. You have nothing to feel guilty about!
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Matthew 19:9 – I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery. – Note, “Except for Sexual Immorality”. I think you are safe.
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I am so so so sorry you went through that. Absolutely divorce is justified. Jesus said that sexual immorality is just ground for divorce. So you are completely in the right for escaping. You can absolutely remarry if you wished. And that is definitely a spiritual attack, and may be left over from what you experienced. I can’t promise it will go away on this side of Heaven, but God will never ever ever condemn you if you trust Jesus for salvation for sins. You are not responsible for your ex’s choices. He is. God will not hold you accountable for his sins. Lean on Him, and if the enemy tries to make you doubt yourself, resist with the truth of the Gospel and being totally forgiven of all sin, and being your own person.
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Your emotion/feelings could be deceiving you that you’re blaming your self in all these that happened to you and your daughter. If that’s the case,then a professional christian psychologist would be a great help. Re-marry is allowed, permitted in the Bible such as in your situation. Nevertheless, do not rush into another marriage not until you resolved first your personal emotional issues. Filling that emptiness with a new relationship does not necessarily solve the issues. Wait on God, I suggest. How? By surrounding yourself with godly people, and getting closer to God. There’s no shortcut in your situation.
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In response to your first two questions, you must consider the difference between legal and theological marriage. As a Bible college student (in a college that relies on the inerrant Bible), I was taught that God recognizes a marriage when two become one flesh. Once a person breaks that covenant (through infidelity), one is no longer theologically married. In this situation, the loyal spouse can ethically divorce (Matt. 5:32) or attempt to fix the relationship.
Thus, divorce was “allowed” in this situation. Even if one disagrees with this theology, God can and will forgive a divorce. Because your marriage was broken theologically, I wholeheartedly believe that remarriage is a viable (and moral) option for you in the future.
I hope this helps! Keeping you in my prayers. -
This isn’t a biblical response, but if you live in a state that you can get a license to carry a weapon, I would. Get good training and get your license. This is one of the reasons we have a 2nd Amendment. Praying for your safety.
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I speak as a Christian and survivor of abuse. I believe the answers are clear:
(1) You are free to divorce. He has broken the covenant, which was to love and protect you.
(2) As to remarriage, since he has committed adultery, you are also free to marry.
(3) It is normal to feel like you failed, or like you failed God. However, your trial is one that many have faced. You have not failed. You are a true victim.
Have you discovered the wonderful ministry of Jeff Crippen? Here is a link, dear sister, to his sermons on domestic violence and abuse:
https://www.sermonaudio.com/search.asp?seriesonly=true&sourceid=crc&keyword=Domestic+Violence+and+Abuse -
GOD LOVES YOU!!!
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You can tell if something is from God if it is true to scripture. If something comes from God it is of The Holy Spirit and will come from a place of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, faithfulness, and temperance. When something is of the enemy it comes from fear, hate, worry, doubt, deception, darkness, distraction, pride, ego, vanity, selfishness, jealousy, and distorts or twists the Truth. We should always pray for God’s spirit to reveal and confirm the Truth. Anything that comes from selfishness is from the enemy. We must surrender to the will of God, sacrifice for the will of God, serve the will of God, and suffer for the will of God. I pray you receive Truth and revelation by the power of The Holy Spirit, in Jesus’s name. Amen
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