"At my age?"

I will be fifty years old on March 13, 2012. (Honestly, I never thought I'd live to see the day, and I'm still not so sure of it...)

But now I'm becoming incredibly introspective...looking "back" to see all the things I missed along the journey thus far...glad that I missed some of them, and mourning my foolishness in overlooking others of "them." If I had it to do all over again...yeah, I know..."famous last words"--well, for somebody at least.

Having grown up without parents in the home (my paternal grandmother was my parent, since my folks divorced when I was very small), I have felt "abandoned" most of my life. I still feel that way sometimes...but nearly as much as I did in my "earlier" years. Looking back, I realize that God never abandoned me...even though I often wonder why He allowed some of the things that happened.

I often look back, wondering what my life would have been like (for the last 25+ years) if I had been more studious in college, my grades had been much better, and I had been more concerned with the "academics" than with all that "other stuff" I deemed to be so important at the time. My college years were a tremendous learning experience for me, in hindsight. I only wish I could re-do them now...

I often look back, wondering what it would have been like to pursue a romance, get engaged, and marry the "lady of my dreams." I won't be indicting anyone here--since the "world wide web" really is "world wide" and I don't need to be getting myself into "webs" from which I may never escape....so these "ladies" shall remain nameless....or at least "detail-less." (For the obsessively curious, there were THREE crushes, at various points in my life).

I look back and wonder what it would have been like to stay near all the biological kin--instead of moving away 30+ years ago, and only occasionally visiting. I do emphasize "occasionally"---about once every three years or so.

I do reflect on what "might have been"---realizing that "yesterday's gone" and wondering where those other "roads less traveled" (in my life, at least) would have led....

But now, that I'm nearly the "50" mark...all I can say is "the LORD is my Light and my Salvation..." With all the mis-steps, mistakes, and times of doubt/fear/rebellion, I know this much: God has been merciful and good.

So "at my age" I just have to look forward, knowing that the "best is yet to come." I have more friends in Heaven than I have on this planet Earth now, and all that "could have been" is in the Lord's hands. All that "might have been" is in His hands also. But more importantly, all that "will be" is also in His hands.

And "at my age" I rest in the fact (and the promise) that HE sees everything beforehand and nothing reaches His children that hasn't passed through the filter of His very love for us.

At my age, that's all I need to know.

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