Broken BUT Rescued
"If the winds must keep blowing for me to trust in You... then Lord, I will hold on until You see me through. I may not know the purpose for this trial that I face, but please, don't let this
storm go to waste."
-"This Storm", McMillan and Life
As much as I love being in MC, because I really REALLY do, this is possibly the hardest thing I've ever gone through. And it's only the 7th week. It's still just the beginning, and I can't tell you how many times the thought of leaving has crossed my mind because of my feelings getting in the way.
Feelings of fear. Of stress. Of doubt. Of loneliness. Feeling like I don't belong, that I don't fit in. That I'm not enough for this group. That I'm holding the group back. That I don't have enough Bible knowledge. That I'm not as far in my spiritual walk as everyone else.
I can't tell you how many times I've started to pack my bags, completely prepared to pack up the back of my car, and just drive. No destination point. Just drive away, as far as I can on however much gas I had in my tank. I've felt like that's my best option more than once.
Then my car BROKE.
When it initially happened, I was convinced that the devil was just attacking me. Now that I can step back and look at the whole situation, I can see how that wasn't the case.
God stepped in. He took control of a situation that could have taken me away from the calling He has given me. Away from the opportunities He has put in front of me.
I believe He broke my car. Not as a punishment... but as a reminder that I'm not in control. Or a reminder that He can take me out of a situation that I may not be able to handle.
Which is really, REALLY good. Because if my car wouldn't have broken, I would have been gone. I would have left over a month ago. I would have left before the process of growing even began.
We were told from the beginning that this program wouldn't be easy, and I don't think any of us thought much of it. The breaking process hurts... A lot. You learn so much about yourself, and you're stripped down to the basics so that you can create a firm foundation for ministry. I'm starting to see now just how beneficial the hard parts are.
I'm starting to accept the fact that God has me in this program for a reason... clearly. I mean, He BROKE my car. This program is hard. But it's worth it.
Yes, I feel alone sometimes, but I know that I'm not. I have a Daddy God that is always with me. And I know that He loves me unconditionally, even when I doubt. Even when I question whether or not it's worth it. He's got my back. He sees beauty in my brokenness. He sees potential in me. He has me here for a reason. And I'm finding so much peace in knowing that.